Top 11 Things NOT to Say to a Woman in Labor

I’ve experienced labor twice and thankfully both were regular deliveries. The first time was very elongated, I labored at home for hours in my tub, on a blanket outside, moaning at my bedside, receiving support from my doula from 4pm to 2am until we finally went to the hospital and I labored in the tub until 6am and so on and so on.

The second time around my water broke and then the contractions came on like a freight train with no brake system. We had to go to the hospital right away because, as my midwife said, “damn you’re going fast.” She then looked at my husband and said, “this is incredibly painful.” Not that it wasn’t obvious. I was hunched over and gripping the chalkboard’s shelf in triage and moaning like a deranged chimpanzee, contemplating whether or not I could rip the chalkboard off of the wall and throw it into the hallway–for some reason this seemed like it would offer me relief.

Anyhoo, I digress. The point of this post is to acknowledge the horrible things that condescending nurses often say to you whilst in labor. Some I heard personally, others, friends have. So with no further ado…

The Top 11 Things NOT to Say to a Woman in Labor

1. “The contractions are going to get A LOT worse than this.”

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2. “You’re barely dilated!”

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3. We don’t have any rooms ready, you may have to deliver here.”

Here could be the hospital hallway, bathroom or triage. In my case it was triage.

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4. “Why are you moaning and groaning?”

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5. “We don’t have time for/we do not have any pain killers.”

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6. “Your doctor/midwife isn’t available right now – she’s dealing with the emergency next door, you can probably hear that woman screaming.”

This one happened during my first labor.

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7. “Hmm, we’re not really sure what’s wrong.”

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8. “Is it okay if the interns watch?”

Yep, I was asked this one personally.

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9. “Hurry up and push, we don’t have all the time in the world.”

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10. “That was a decent push but the baby barely moved down. You have a ways to go honey.”

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And finally…

11. “Wow that’s a hairy baby!”

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Top 5 Things Parents Say at the Toddler Park

As a parent, going to the park can be invigorating for so many reasons:jsp-pics-22nd-march-image-24-682683620

  • You can easily tire out your child/children in a fenced in area
  • You can meet someone new that may be your new best friend for life or the next 5 minutes
  • You can sit your ass down for five-hot-minutes
  • You can adore your child as he plays his little heart out

Perhaps one of the best things however, is learning that you’re not alone. How so? By overhearing the following five things time and again, it tells me that my parenting style is on par with the norm and that I’m not alone in my daily war against the kids.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Toddler Park

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1. We’re leaving in two minutes…do NOT have a tantrum and do NOT cry.

If standing close enough I then hear mumbled under breath, “For the love of God, please don’t have a tantrum, oh please, please God + silent prayer and a tear or two.

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2. “We can come back but right now Mommy needs a Starbucks, so let’s go!”

Mumbled under breath: “Mommy also needs some quaaludes”

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3. “No honey! That’s not your scooter, get off!”

Mumbled under breath: “Maybe if you fell on your ass and broke a bone you’d learn your lesson for always stealing that damn scooter.”

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4. “Did you just poop?!?”

Mumbled under breath “I frickin’ hope not because your genius mom didn’t pack a diaper.”

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5.  “I said we’re leaving in two minutes!”

This is usually said 30-45 minutes after original claim of a 2 minute departure.  Mumbled under breath: “I gave you so much extra time so please Lord, don’t have a tantrum, I’m begging you.”

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What quotes did I miss??