1. Staring At the Wall
Like a poindexter. Staring at the wall becomes a new hobby for parents. Don’t get me wrong, we have
loads of, ambition, an enormous to-do list and plenty of intentions. It’s just that once the kids are in bed the only thing we really seem capable of doing is staring at the god damn wall. Shell shocked. Tomorrow I’ll fool myself once again though, that I’m going to kill my to-do list as soon as they kids nap or go to bed. There’s a sucker born every minute.
2. Watching Previews Instead of Movies
Movies? Oh yeah, catch ’em all the time in 2 minute snippets. What you thought I could watch a full length film? Ha! I’m lucky if I make it through ALL the previews before falling asleep in my own drool. You see, parents receive an invisible tranquilizer dart in their ass every night around 9pm. Par-tay on.
3. Vulture Eating
Yep. Really sexy. All those bits and pieces your sticky-handed kids left on their high chair, you’ll eat it. That leftover Mac&Cheese, sure why not? Bread crust? It’s what’s for dinner.
4. Swapping Showers for Baby Wipes
Showers are a thing of luxury. Something that goes on your to-do list the same way “pay the bills” does. Until you figure out that baby wipes can do so much more than wipe a little poopy ass. They can kinda shower you.
5. Describing Your Actions in Third Person.
This becomes how you communicate with your partner in a charming and oh-so condescending manner. It’s how you tell your partner that he/she is failing in a more subtle yet, really annoying fashion.
- Mommy is cleaning the kitchen right now because Daddy didn’t do it.
- Looks like Daddy is on his own for dinner since Mommy passed out in front of HGTV with her plate of bread and olive oil.
- Mommy just lost her mind, go ahead and congratulate mommy!
6. Smelling Butts.
This one may be less surprising since most of us have seen parents do it before becoming one. It’s inevitable. We become little gorillas who smell butts to confirm what is already blaringly obviously – baby just blew out his diaper.
7. Emotional Transference
Here’s where you describe own behavior and feelings but transfer it onto your child. Really mature.
- You are being crazy right now!
- You need to relax honey!
- STOP SCREAMING!
Uh, look at the mommy in the mirror. Time to make that change.