7 Surprising Habits that Parents Acquire

1. Staring At the Wall

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Like a poindexter. Staring at the wall becomes a new hobby for parents. Don’t get me wrong, we have loads of,  ambition, an enormous to-do list and plenty of intentions. It’s just that once the kids are in bed the only thing we really seem capable of doing is staring at the god damn wall. Shell shocked. Tomorrow I’ll fool myself once again though, that I’m going to kill my to-do list as soon as they kids nap or go to bed. There’s a sucker born every minute.

2. Watching Previews Instead of Movies

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Movies? Oh yeah, catch ’em all the time in 2 minute snippets. What you thought I could watch a full length film? Ha! I’m lucky if I make it through ALL the previews before falling asleep in my own drool.  You see, parents receive an invisible tranquilizer dart in their ass every night around 9pm. Par-tay on.

3. Vulture Eating

mommy martyr cures leftovers

Yep. Really sexy. All those bits and pieces your sticky-handed kids left on their high chair, you’ll eat it. That leftover Mac&Cheese, sure why not? Bread crust? It’s what’s for dinner.

4. Swapping Showers for Baby Wipes

baby wipes

Showers are a thing of luxury. Something that goes on your to-do list the same way “pay the bills” does. Until you figure out that baby wipes can do so much more than wipe a little poopy ass. They can kinda shower you.

5. Describing Your Actions in Third Person.

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This becomes how you communicate with your partner in a charming and oh-so condescending manner. It’s how you tell your partner that he/she is failing in a more subtle yet, really annoying fashion.

  • Mommy is cleaning the kitchen right now because Daddy didn’t do it.
  • Looks like Daddy is on his own for dinner since Mommy passed out in front of HGTV with her plate of bread and olive oil.
  • Mommy just lost her mind, go ahead and congratulate mommy!

6. Smelling Butts.

gorilla smelling butt

This one may be less surprising since most of us have seen parents do it before becoming one. It’s inevitable. We become little gorillas who smell butts to confirm what is already blaringly obviously – baby just blew out his diaper.

 7. Emotional Transference

mommy martyr emotional transference

Here’s where you describe own behavior and feelings but transfer it onto your child. Really mature.

  • You are being crazy right now!
  • You need to relax honey!
  • STOP SCREAMING!

Uh, look at the mommy in the mirror. Time to make that change.

 

What It’s Like To Be a Mom in Grand Rapids, Michigan

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a mom in France? How about in Singapore or Australia, New York or San Francisco? This series features stories from moms around the world. Today we feature Grand Rapids, MI! Read on for hilarious and insane moments, advice and moments of relating to another mom.

Want to share your story? Contact MMC!

Featured image source: flickr user Jeffrey Hartman

Name

Susan Beyer

Hometown

Grand Rapids, MI

Kids

Daughter Siena Elizabeth – 2 – Thoughtful, strong-minded, smarty – pants and a Daddy’s girl

Siena Beyer

Nathaniel Lee – 14 mo. – Loving, stubborn, smart, tantrum throwing Mama’s boy

Nathaniel Beyer

On average it takes me _____ amount of time to get out of the house with my child/children

30 minutes…If I have to be presentable to the public then at least an hour.

My most insane moment as a parent was

One morning after just delivering my son Nathaniel (he was maybe a month old); I was breastfeeding him on the couch – my daughter (15 months – at the time) was chewing on the cords for my breast-pump and she shoved the cords down her throat too far which made her gag. She began projectile vomiting all over the living room carpet (on a full stomach)! I set my son Nathaniel down on the couch (not thinking at all!) and rushed over to my daughter. While she puked all over me as well I turned around to my son screaming after rolling off the couch…

IT WAS THE WORST MORNING EVER! Way to go MOM!

The best piece of mom advice I have is

Being a mom is the hardest job you will ever have and always remember that if your kids are alive at the end of the day – you did a good job!

The hardest part about being a mom in (your hometown) is

Lots of judgmental bitches lol!

The best part about being a mom in (your hometown) is

Lots of play groups, family events, coffee shops, family is very close by, and overall it’s a very family oriented area! Grand Rapids was actually rated by Forbes in 2012 as the best city in the country to raise a family.

The places you have to visit with your children in my hometown are

Would you like to share what it’s like to be a mom in your town? Contact MMC now!

Toddlers Are Rude: Toddler Dismisses Greek Antiquity

How rude can you get? We take you all around the world, we present you with the world’s finest cuisine and what do you give us back? Tantrums and narcoleptic pass-outs as soon as we get to little ol’ places like…ah you know, the freaking Parthenon.

Watch this rude toddler totally dismiss Greece.

Look how much you enjoyed Oia, Greece. Thanks for the back-ache.

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Oh you’re not interested in fine Greek cuisine OR wearing your shoes?

No prob, do whatever the hell you want toddler. Get comfortable.

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Hashtag “I’m lovin’ it” ?

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“Tell me more about Santorini, Daddy!”

mommy-martyr-cures-toddler-in-santorini

Simply embarrassing at the Acropolis Museum.

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Honey, this is the National Gardens in Athens!

“I will cut you.”

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So look who perked up at where else but the winery?

mommy-martyr-cures-toddler-in-santorini

What It’s Like to Be a Mom in Cincinnati

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a mom in France? How about in Singapore or Australia, New York or San Francisco? This series features stories from moms around the world. Today we feature Cincinnati! Read on for hilarious and insane moments, advice and moments of relating to another mom.

Want to share your story? Contact MMC!

Name:

Abigail Cress Brown

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Hometown:

Iowa City, Iowa (but I live in Cincinnati, Ohio)

Kids:

One son, Cooper, who is one year old.

On average it takes me _____________ amount of time to get out of the house with my child/children.

Wait, people leave the house with their kids? I quit my job to be a stay at home mom because this seemed crazy to me. We do, however, try to leave the house at least once a day for a walk, the gym, church, an errand, etc… but these are things we do without having to pack a diaper bag. On average, it takes me about 15 minutes to leave the house for this. When a meal is involved (meaning, diaper bag), it’s at least thirty minutes.

My most INSANE moment as a parent was:

Today, actually. My son started wimpering for what seemed like no reason and he started hugging on me so I rubbed his back. Then, I felt a bee on his leg… chaos ensued. Toy hit the floor [hard], grabbed the baby up in my arms, shoe killing the bee, baby crying and hearts beating fast (both his and mine). The bee stung my perfect little baby and the rage I felt towards that bee for hurting my baby solidified the fact that I will likely be an overprotective, terribly mean mother-in-law to a perfectly innocent girl someday. #sorrynotsorry

The best piece of mom advice I have is:

Focus on your own kid and don’t worry about the others you see online. Your baby might not roll over or clap to “patty cake” or have the fancy shoes until all the other kids his age on Facebook, but he’ll do something earlier than them and still be a happy, healthy, good kid that doesn’t care about second hand clothes and toys made out of recycled food containers.

The hardest part about being a mom in Cincinnati is:

My husband and I are both transplants in Cincinnati with no family members in town. It truly takes a village to raise a family and we often feel isolated. Though we’ve made a handful of friends in our five years here, many are Cincinnati natives that still spend time with their high school and college friends, as well as their family – leaving us often in desire of stronger friendships. It would be wonderful for us to have some help and for our son to have more interaction with adults besides the two of us.

 The best part about being a mom in Cincinnati is:

There is SO much to do here! We took full advantage of our family membership to the Cincinnati Zoo but also did many fun [and free] activities for families. Most recently, our township held a “Touch a Truck” event with vehicles from fire trucks to tractors, petting zoo, free face paint and fun music. There are farmers markets all over town every day of the week and we live in a suburb with amazing public schools. It really is a great place to raise a family!

The places you have to visit with your children in Cincinnati are:

You can find Abigail at her blog! 

Would you like to share what it’s like to be a mom in your town? Contact MMC now!

The One-A-Month Dinner Party Goal

It’s a new week. Hell it’s a Monday and I’m pretty damn proud that I know what day of the week it is seeing as I’m on maternity leave.

I decided to make a new goal for myself this week since I usually crush my to-do lists so easily. Like today’s “Take a Shower” – I simply moved it to tomorrow’s list.

Anyway here’s the new goal:

Host a dinner party every month.

Why?

  • Bond with friends (read: use friends to watch my kids while I sip wine)
  • Actually see my friends (read: get out of having to drive somewhere else or worse, take the train)
  • See the first reason’s last word

I already completed my task for this month (with newborn in tow). And now it’s time to plan the next dinner party!

Who’s in on the challenge?

Ready? Set? Go!