Reliable Study Says: You’re Losing Your Friends, Mom.
Feeling cocky ’cause you’re still rocking a social life with your ONE child? Good for you. I did it too for awhile. Heck, my baby slept in his little carrier inside of noisy bars while I caught up with the gang.
With two kiddos however, the whole “friend thing” is becoming less and less realistic. (Friends with three kids, from what I understand, just move into a cave). Unless you live in my zip code (and let’s be honest, like two blocks away) I may not see you again, dear friend, for about another year or so. Yes I could get the babysitter, but just to warn you, that will look a little like this:
Boys, be quiet! Mommy’s on the phone calling your sitter! Boys–stop it! Mommy’s on the phone! Honey, give me my phone back…hold on…get back here you little–! Shit! Time out! Time-f*#king-OUT! Don’t YOU repeat that! Ready, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10!
Ring Ring Ring. Hi Babysitter–are you free this weekend? No…oh…what’s that? You’ve upped to $75.00 per hour, okay, sure, great, are you free next Saturday, no? Oh…
Let’s take a look at some of the main factors standing in the way of maintaining frequent in-person contact with friends.
- Mom’s inability to construct sentences (ba ba dah bah is generally not recognized as acceptable dialogue)
- Phone is missing (in toilet, hidden in a toy, under a crib mattress, and all contacts are daily wiped by baby)
- Failed understanding of the modern calendar
- Injured (yes, from a baby, don’t act so frickin’ surprised, they can really hurt you physically)
- Social norm says you shouldn’t leave your children home alone when they’re napping (Pfsssss mean what’s an hour or two?)
So you see, my dear friends, I do love you, I do. I miss you oh-so very much. But unless you can ring my doorbell* when both boys are asleep, show up with a bottle of wine and ignore my inability to speak about anything relevant, or that I may fall asleep while we’re talking, and that I’ll definitely be arranging toys with a vigor generally reserved only for the doomed and insane, this may be the end (but can you please still like my kids’ photos on Facebook?)
*Don’t actually ring the doorbell, silly!