With Each Kid, Expect to Lose More Friends

Reliable Study Says: You’re Losing Your Friends, Mom.

Feeling cocky ’cause you’re still rocking a social life with your ONE child? Good for you. I did it too for awhile. Heck, my baby slept in his little carrier inside of noisy bars while I caught up with the gang.

With two kiddos however, the whole “friend thing” is becoming less and less realistic. (Friends with three kids, from what I understand, just move into a cave). Unless you live in my zip code (and let’s be honest, like two blocks away) I may not see you again, dear friend, for about another year or so. Yes I could get the babysitter, but just to warn you, that will look a little like this:

Boys, be quiet! Mommy’s on the phone calling your sitter! Boys–stop it! Mommy’s on the phone! Honey, give me my phone back…hold on…get back here you little–! Shit! Time out! Time-f*#king-OUT! Don’t YOU repeat that! Ready, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10!

Ring Ring Ring. Hi Babysitter–are you free this weekend? No…oh…what’s that? You’ve upped to $75.00 per hour, okay, sure, great, are you free next Saturday, no? Oh…

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Where’ve you been, Mama?

Let’s take a look at some of the main factors standing in the way of maintaining frequent in-person contact with friends.

  1. Mom’s inability to construct sentences (ba ba dah bah is generally not recognized as acceptable dialogue)
  2. Phone is missing (in toilet, hidden in a toy, under a crib mattress, and all contacts are daily wiped by baby)
  3. Failed understanding of the modern calendar
  4. Injured (yes, from a baby, don’t act so frickin’ surprised, they can really hurt you physically)
  5. Social norm says you shouldn’t leave your children home alone when they’re napping (Pfsssss mean what’s an hour or two?)

So you see, my dear friends, I do love you, I do. I miss you oh-so very much. But unless you can ring my doorbell* when both boys are asleep, show up with a bottle of wine and ignore my inability to speak about anything relevant, or that I may fall asleep while we’re talking, and that I’ll definitely be arranging toys with a vigor generally reserved only for the doomed and insane, this may be the end (but can you please still like my kids’ photos on Facebook?)

*Don’t actually ring the doorbell, silly!

Signed,

Lone Mom.

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