Statistics Moms Need Right Freaking Now

Everything Mom Wants Proven Possible.

These days you can spin science anyway you like it. You can pretty much get away with anything. Take Monsanto for instance. Recently I saw a “suggested post” from them on Facebook that touted them as supporters of natural soil. I nearly pooped my pants. Really? Wow. Okay. The thing is, as long as you have lobbying dollars you can skew stats your way. I don’t have those but decided I needed some statistics to help Mommy Martyrs have a good damn day.

Losing Your Shit Scientifically Proven to Better Your Offspring’s Psyche

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  • A recent study by geniuses at Oxford has proven that losing your shit on a daily basis actually helps your child’s psyche, making him/her stronger in his future relationships, sense of self, and overall confidence. “It’s crazy,” said Dr. Piyourpantes, “But there is such a strong correlation between frequently losing your sanity and a child’s intelligence and psyche, that we have no choice but to beg moms to lose it as much as they can–that includes, screaming, swearing, throwing things, crying, and overacting in a maniacal way.”

    Study Shows the Earlier You Put Your Children to Bed, the Longer They’ll Sleep

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    Parents often fear that putting their children to bed too early will ruin them in the mornings. “I fear my kid will wake up at 4 a.m.,” said Jane Fakey. “In reality I want to put my kids to bed around 5 p.m. so I can, you know, take a piss without a toddler hanging on my leg and holding his hand under my jet stream, but I’ve been worried he’ll wake up too early.” Turns out Jane doesn’t need to worry, new science undeniably shows that putting your children to bed as early as 3 p.m. ensures they’ll sleep until 7 a.m.

Wine Proven to Improve Sleep Quality, Muscle Tone & Intelligence While Augmenting Bust

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  • A recent Harvard study proved that consuming at least a half bottle of wine per day raises IQ levels, specifically in mothers. Scientists were surprised to find that it also improved a mother’s muscle tone, tightening her ass, all abdomen muscles, and increased her bust a size or two. As for women who worried that wine could negatively affect their sleep, they should worry no more according to Dr. Poupi Pantes, “Wine has actually been proven to make women–specifically moms, sleep like they’re being massaged on the beach. Honestly, we were surprised by these results, but there’s no denying them. The numbers support them (3.14 / .575)”

Eating Your Child’s Leftovers Helps You Lose Weight

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According to a massive (get-it) study by Weight Watchers, the more you finish your child’s nasty leftovers, the skinnier you’ll become. “It was weird,” said Dr. Skinee, “but we were able prove that moms could eat whatever they wanted and as long as they finished their toddler’s disgusting leftovers, they’d still lose weight. The science was so overwhelming we incorporated it into our regimen for non-moms.”

The Less Sleep You Get, The Better Your Skin Looks

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“So bizarre,” said Dr. Gassi, “our numbers undeniably show that the less you sleep, the better your skin will look so long as you’re a mother. Even if mom can’t get a god damn wink in,  she’ll still achieve that dewy glow while reversing damage and eliminating wrinkles.”

Chocolate Proven to Make You a Better Mom

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According to a recent Yale study that took place over the span of 2,789 years and with more than a million participants, the higher the consumption of chocolate, the better the mother you’ll be. “The results couldn’t be easier to interpret,” said Dr. Cocoalot, “Moms really need to consume as much chocolate as possible.”

Science Proves the More You Feel You’re Failing at Parenting, the Better You’re Doing

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At the world’s most renowned university, they were recently able to prove that the more you feel you’re failing as a parent, the better you’re actually doing. “Chill,” said Dr. Smarti, “you’re frickin’ crushing it.”

Wishing  Your Toddler Would Stop Repeating Him/Herself Shown to Help Toddler’s Vocabulary

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Yeah, it’s a freakin’ car, you made that quite clear, toddler. “Mama, Mama, Mama–it’s a car. A car. A car. A car. A car. A car.”

“Yeah, it’s a FREAKING CAR, got-it, honey!”

A recent study by the University of Paris proved that the more a mother wants her toddler to stop repeating himself, the better his vocabulary will become. “The results are staggering,” said Dr. PiPi, “The more the mother wanted her toddler to–as you say in English–STFU, the better his vocabulary will become.”

New Study Shows the Slowest Potty Trainers Are More Likely to Become the World’s Smartest Leaders

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Not interested in potty training your toddler? No problem! According to a recent study that absolutely can’t be wrong because it was conducted by the CIA, the slower you are to potty-train your child, the more likely your child is to become a really strong, intelligent, and beautiful person. #diapersareconvenient.

Mommy’s Survival Kit for Fall

Son of a bitch are days short! I hear my baby screaming for milk and my toddler shrieking, “Mommy! Pancakes!” and it’s so dark I don’t know if its 3 a.m. or almost time to get up.for all I can tell.  Does it even matter? My eyelids are encrusted to one another. My head is tight and heavy. My back is in need of immediate chiropractic care. How are we gonna survive fellow mommies?

Mommy’s Survival Kit for Fall

  1. Garlic

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Your friends may hate you for this one. “Jesus, step back, Mama. You smell like the Olive Garden on speed.Your answer? Our kids’ stuffy little schnozes have officially inundated our worlds, so we must start eating raw garlic toast like it’s our job. Toast + extra virgin olive oil + two cloves of raw garlic + black sea salt = health. Repeat until you’re healthy. Or just always repeat and ask your partner to do the same so no one is offended.

2.   Apple Cider Vinegar

Keep your body in check with apple cider vinegar (organic, unfiltered and should include “the mother”). Just do it, already. Drink two tablespoons in a big glass of water and follow with a spoonful of organic raw honey.  Need actual reasons? Take it from Mamavation.

3.  Wine

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Wine is your reward for surviving another day of madness. You deserve it because your hair was pulled 18 times, you were depants by a whiny baby, your toddler dropped the F-bomb in front of strangers, and you got shit under your fingernails while changing a diaper that may as well have been a chocolate peanut butter nuclear bomb. Wine will bring you back to an appropriate mindset and heart rate.

4. Wine (oops did I already mention that?)

Well guess what – that wine will help you lose weight! Half a bottle before bed. Consider that officially prescribed by yours truly, Dr. Mommy Martyr Cures.

5. Coffee – duh.

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6. Other Mommies

For the love of God, connect with other Mommies so you don’t feel you’re alone in this sick universe. Want extra credit? Join a postpartum exercise class. You’ll work that loosey goosey pelvic floor and meet some great buddies along the way.

7. The Alliance Française

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Okay not everyone as obsessed with France and French language as I am but the point is this: find something that inspires you that has NOTHING to do with your partner or children. For me, I like discussing French literature in French with like-minded people. I do so once a week at the Alliance. Find your Nirvana–now.

8. Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pancakes

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Eat your troubles away.

9. The Voice

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I HATE television. I HATE most Hollywood movies. But I’m a total sucker for The Voice. Blake cracks me up. I love the blind auditions. I need something to look forward to on Monday and Tuesday. Find yours.

10. Stew

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It’s cold. You have a sore throat. By the time you come home you’re hungry as hell. Maybe just stick huge hunks of meat in there to be safe (see above). Invest in a good slow cooker and prepare hearty stews (full of #1 garlic, and #3 and #4 – wine). Bon appétit.