Category Archives: Insane Mommy

7 Surprising Habits that Parents Acquire

1. Staring At the Wall

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Like a poindexter. Staring at the wall becomes a new hobby for parents. Don’t get me wrong, we have loads of,  ambition, an enormous to-do list and plenty of intentions. It’s just that once the kids are in bed the only thing we really seem capable of doing is staring at the god damn wall. Shell shocked. Tomorrow I’ll fool myself once again though, that I’m going to kill my to-do list as soon as they kids nap or go to bed. There’s a sucker born every minute.

2. Watching Previews Instead of Movies

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Movies? Oh yeah, catch ’em all the time in 2 minute snippets. What you thought I could watch a full length film? Ha! I’m lucky if I make it through ALL the previews before falling asleep in my own drool.  You see, parents receive an invisible tranquilizer dart in their ass every night around 9pm. Par-tay on.

3. Vulture Eating

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Yep. Really sexy. All those bits and pieces your sticky-handed kids left on their high chair, you’ll eat it. That leftover Mac&Cheese, sure why not? Bread crust? It’s what’s for dinner.

4. Swapping Showers for Baby Wipes

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Showers are a thing of luxury. Something that goes on your to-do list the same way “pay the bills” does. Until you figure out that baby wipes can do so much more than wipe a little poopy ass. They can kinda shower you.

5. Describing Your Actions in Third Person.

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This becomes how you communicate with your partner in a charming and oh-so condescending manner. It’s how you tell your partner that he/she is failing in a more subtle yet, really annoying fashion.

  • Mommy is cleaning the kitchen right now because Daddy didn’t do it.
  • Looks like Daddy is on his own for dinner since Mommy passed out in front of HGTV with her plate of bread and olive oil.
  • Mommy just lost her mind, go ahead and congratulate mommy!

6. Smelling Butts.

gorilla smelling butt

This one may be less surprising since most of us have seen parents do it before becoming one. It’s inevitable. We become little gorillas who smell butts to confirm what is already blaringly obviously – baby just blew out his diaper.

 7. Emotional Transference

mommy martyr emotional transference

Here’s where you describe own behavior and feelings but transfer it onto your child. Really mature.

  • You are being crazy right now!
  • You need to relax honey!
  • STOP SCREAMING!

Uh, look at the mommy in the mirror. Time to make that change.

 

What It’s Like To Be a Mom in Grand Rapids, Michigan

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a mom in France? How about in Singapore or Australia, New York or San Francisco? This series features stories from moms around the world. Today we feature Grand Rapids, MI! Read on for hilarious and insane moments, advice and moments of relating to another mom.

Want to share your story? Contact MMC!

Featured image source: flickr user Jeffrey Hartman

Name

Susan Beyer

Hometown

Grand Rapids, MI

Kids

Daughter Siena Elizabeth – 2 – Thoughtful, strong-minded, smarty – pants and a Daddy’s girl

Siena Beyer

Nathaniel Lee – 14 mo. – Loving, stubborn, smart, tantrum throwing Mama’s boy

Nathaniel Beyer

On average it takes me _____ amount of time to get out of the house with my child/children

30 minutes…If I have to be presentable to the public then at least an hour.

My most insane moment as a parent was

One morning after just delivering my son Nathaniel (he was maybe a month old); I was breastfeeding him on the couch – my daughter (15 months – at the time) was chewing on the cords for my breast-pump and she shoved the cords down her throat too far which made her gag. She began projectile vomiting all over the living room carpet (on a full stomach)! I set my son Nathaniel down on the couch (not thinking at all!) and rushed over to my daughter. While she puked all over me as well I turned around to my son screaming after rolling off the couch…

IT WAS THE WORST MORNING EVER! Way to go MOM!

The best piece of mom advice I have is

Being a mom is the hardest job you will ever have and always remember that if your kids are alive at the end of the day – you did a good job!

The hardest part about being a mom in (your hometown) is

Lots of judgmental bitches lol!

The best part about being a mom in (your hometown) is

Lots of play groups, family events, coffee shops, family is very close by, and overall it’s a very family oriented area! Grand Rapids was actually rated by Forbes in 2012 as the best city in the country to raise a family.

The places you have to visit with your children in my hometown are

Would you like to share what it’s like to be a mom in your town? Contact MMC now!

The One-A-Month Dinner Party Goal

It’s a new week. Hell it’s a Monday and I’m pretty damn proud that I know what day of the week it is seeing as I’m on maternity leave.

I decided to make a new goal for myself this week since I usually crush my to-do lists so easily. Like today’s “Take a Shower” – I simply moved it to tomorrow’s list.

Anyway here’s the new goal:

Host a dinner party every month.

Why?

  • Bond with friends (read: use friends to watch my kids while I sip wine)
  • Actually see my friends (read: get out of having to drive somewhere else or worse, take the train)
  • See the first reason’s last word

I already completed my task for this month (with newborn in tow). And now it’s time to plan the next dinner party!

Who’s in on the challenge?

Ready? Set? Go!

Top 5 Things Parents Say at the Toddler Park

As a parent, going to the park can be invigorating for so many reasons:jsp-pics-22nd-march-image-24-682683620

  • You can easily tire out your child/children in a fenced in area
  • You can meet someone new that may be your new best friend for life or the next 5 minutes
  • You can sit your ass down for five-hot-minutes
  • You can adore your child as he plays his little heart out

Perhaps one of the best things however, is learning that you’re not alone. How so? By overhearing the following five things time and again, it tells me that my parenting style is on par with the norm and that I’m not alone in my daily war against the kids.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Toddler Park

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1. We’re leaving in two minutes…do NOT have a tantrum and do NOT cry.

If standing close enough I then hear mumbled under breath, “For the love of God, please don’t have a tantrum, oh please, please God + silent prayer and a tear or two.

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2. “We can come back but right now Mommy needs a Starbucks, so let’s go!”

Mumbled under breath: “Mommy also needs some quaaludes”

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3. “No honey! That’s not your scooter, get off!”

Mumbled under breath: “Maybe if you fell on your ass and broke a bone you’d learn your lesson for always stealing that damn scooter.”

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4. “Did you just poop?!?”

Mumbled under breath “I frickin’ hope not because your genius mom didn’t pack a diaper.”

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5.  “I said we’re leaving in two minutes!”

This is usually said 30-45 minutes after original claim of a 2 minute departure.  Mumbled under breath: “I gave you so much extra time so please Lord, don’t have a tantrum, I’m begging you.”

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What quotes did I miss??

Things That Happened While You Were F*#%ing Golfing

What Happened While You Were F*#%ing Golfing?

I told the kids it was time to clean up after you went golfing.

Max crying while you were golfing

The kids shared their opinion…while you were golfing.

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We–er, I tidied up. But there were some problems…meanwhile you were golfingBurning house

I took some time to myself while you were golfing

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We played some games while you were golfing

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Finally I got the kids out the door while you were golfing

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When we got back home, the kids were a bit overtired but I handled it

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Now everything’s great and you’re home! Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hope you had fun! Ouh! Don’t I hope you had fun. Yes I do. Yes I dooooo. Ouh ha. ha. ha ha! Fun, fun. Mmm, fun times. Yes. Yes. Fun. Okay. Okay. I’m okay. Oh.

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Another F*#$ing Mommy Blog?

Yep, another mommy blog. A diary of the insane? A written version of the selfie? An egoist’s way to make a mark? I hope not. I created this blog to connect with moms who have found themselves walking onto the path of martyrdom for a few steps, for miles, or hell, for a few years. My cures are just as much for me as they are for you.

And bottom line, it’s to have a laugh.