Category Archives: Shallow Thoughts & Visuals

Statistics Moms Need Right Freaking Now

Everything Mom Wants Proven Possible.

These days you can spin science anyway you like it. You can pretty much get away with anything. Take Monsanto for instance. Recently I saw a “suggested post” from them on Facebook that touted them as supporters of natural soil. I nearly pooped my pants. Really? Wow. Okay. The thing is, as long as you have lobbying dollars you can skew stats your way. I don’t have those but decided I needed some statistics to help Mommy Martyrs have a good damn day.

Losing Your Shit Scientifically Proven to Better Your Offspring’s Psyche

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  • A recent study by geniuses at Oxford has proven that losing your shit on a daily basis actually helps your child’s psyche, making him/her stronger in his future relationships, sense of self, and overall confidence. “It’s crazy,” said Dr. Piyourpantes, “But there is such a strong correlation between frequently losing your sanity and a child’s intelligence and psyche, that we have no choice but to beg moms to lose it as much as they can–that includes, screaming, swearing, throwing things, crying, and overacting in a maniacal way.”

    Study Shows the Earlier You Put Your Children to Bed, the Longer They’ll Sleep

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    Parents often fear that putting their children to bed too early will ruin them in the mornings. “I fear my kid will wake up at 4 a.m.,” said Jane Fakey. “In reality I want to put my kids to bed around 5 p.m. so I can, you know, take a piss without a toddler hanging on my leg and holding his hand under my jet stream, but I’ve been worried he’ll wake up too early.” Turns out Jane doesn’t need to worry, new science undeniably shows that putting your children to bed as early as 3 p.m. ensures they’ll sleep until 7 a.m.

Wine Proven to Improve Sleep Quality, Muscle Tone & Intelligence While Augmenting Bust

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  • A recent Harvard study proved that consuming at least a half bottle of wine per day raises IQ levels, specifically in mothers. Scientists were surprised to find that it also improved a mother’s muscle tone, tightening her ass, all abdomen muscles, and increased her bust a size or two. As for women who worried that wine could negatively affect their sleep, they should worry no more according to Dr. Poupi Pantes, “Wine has actually been proven to make women–specifically moms, sleep like they’re being massaged on the beach. Honestly, we were surprised by these results, but there’s no denying them. The numbers support them (3.14 / .575)”

Eating Your Child’s Leftovers Helps You Lose Weight

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According to a massive (get-it) study by Weight Watchers, the more you finish your child’s nasty leftovers, the skinnier you’ll become. “It was weird,” said Dr. Skinee, “but we were able prove that moms could eat whatever they wanted and as long as they finished their toddler’s disgusting leftovers, they’d still lose weight. The science was so overwhelming we incorporated it into our regimen for non-moms.”

The Less Sleep You Get, The Better Your Skin Looks

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“So bizarre,” said Dr. Gassi, “our numbers undeniably show that the less you sleep, the better your skin will look so long as you’re a mother. Even if mom can’t get a god damn wink in,  she’ll still achieve that dewy glow while reversing damage and eliminating wrinkles.”

Chocolate Proven to Make You a Better Mom

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According to a recent Yale study that took place over the span of 2,789 years and with more than a million participants, the higher the consumption of chocolate, the better the mother you’ll be. “The results couldn’t be easier to interpret,” said Dr. Cocoalot, “Moms really need to consume as much chocolate as possible.”

Science Proves the More You Feel You’re Failing at Parenting, the Better You’re Doing

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At the world’s most renowned university, they were recently able to prove that the more you feel you’re failing as a parent, the better you’re actually doing. “Chill,” said Dr. Smarti, “you’re frickin’ crushing it.”

Wishing  Your Toddler Would Stop Repeating Him/Herself Shown to Help Toddler’s Vocabulary

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Yeah, it’s a freakin’ car, you made that quite clear, toddler. “Mama, Mama, Mama–it’s a car. A car. A car. A car. A car. A car.”

“Yeah, it’s a FREAKING CAR, got-it, honey!”

A recent study by the University of Paris proved that the more a mother wants her toddler to stop repeating himself, the better his vocabulary will become. “The results are staggering,” said Dr. PiPi, “The more the mother wanted her toddler to–as you say in English–STFU, the better his vocabulary will become.”

New Study Shows the Slowest Potty Trainers Are More Likely to Become the World’s Smartest Leaders

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Not interested in potty training your toddler? No problem! According to a recent study that absolutely can’t be wrong because it was conducted by the CIA, the slower you are to potty-train your child, the more likely your child is to become a really strong, intelligent, and beautiful person. #diapersareconvenient.

Mommy’s Survival Kit for Fall

Son of a bitch are days short! I hear my baby screaming for milk and my toddler shrieking, “Mommy! Pancakes!” and it’s so dark I don’t know if its 3 a.m. or almost time to get up.for all I can tell.  Does it even matter? My eyelids are encrusted to one another. My head is tight and heavy. My back is in need of immediate chiropractic care. How are we gonna survive fellow mommies?

Mommy’s Survival Kit for Fall

  1. Garlic

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Your friends may hate you for this one. “Jesus, step back, Mama. You smell like the Olive Garden on speed.Your answer? Our kids’ stuffy little schnozes have officially inundated our worlds, so we must start eating raw garlic toast like it’s our job. Toast + extra virgin olive oil + two cloves of raw garlic + black sea salt = health. Repeat until you’re healthy. Or just always repeat and ask your partner to do the same so no one is offended.

2.   Apple Cider Vinegar

Keep your body in check with apple cider vinegar (organic, unfiltered and should include “the mother”). Just do it, already. Drink two tablespoons in a big glass of water and follow with a spoonful of organic raw honey.  Need actual reasons? Take it from Mamavation.

3.  Wine

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Wine is your reward for surviving another day of madness. You deserve it because your hair was pulled 18 times, you were depants by a whiny baby, your toddler dropped the F-bomb in front of strangers, and you got shit under your fingernails while changing a diaper that may as well have been a chocolate peanut butter nuclear bomb. Wine will bring you back to an appropriate mindset and heart rate.

4. Wine (oops did I already mention that?)

Well guess what – that wine will help you lose weight! Half a bottle before bed. Consider that officially prescribed by yours truly, Dr. Mommy Martyr Cures.

5. Coffee – duh.

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6. Other Mommies

For the love of God, connect with other Mommies so you don’t feel you’re alone in this sick universe. Want extra credit? Join a postpartum exercise class. You’ll work that loosey goosey pelvic floor and meet some great buddies along the way.

7. The Alliance Française

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Okay not everyone as obsessed with France and French language as I am but the point is this: find something that inspires you that has NOTHING to do with your partner or children. For me, I like discussing French literature in French with like-minded people. I do so once a week at the Alliance. Find your Nirvana–now.

8. Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pancakes

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Eat your troubles away.

9. The Voice

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I HATE television. I HATE most Hollywood movies. But I’m a total sucker for The Voice. Blake cracks me up. I love the blind auditions. I need something to look forward to on Monday and Tuesday. Find yours.

10. Stew

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It’s cold. You have a sore throat. By the time you come home you’re hungry as hell. Maybe just stick huge hunks of meat in there to be safe (see above). Invest in a good slow cooker and prepare hearty stews (full of #1 garlic, and #3 and #4 – wine). Bon appétit.

Yes! You Can Travel Internationally with Toddlers & Babies

I’m often asked how and why I travel internationally with my little ones. The answer is simple. I cannot NOT do it . I have to see the world and  I’d miss those little crazies if they weren’t with me. There’s no excuse to pushing off your international travel for when they’re old, or when you trust them, blah-blah-blah. Go now and go often. Even better if you have a child under two because their tickets only cost 10% of a full-price.

Ultimately, traveling internationally puts us on the same course as our children. We need the foreignness to feel the sense of wonderment that they perpetually live in.

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You want to cross the pond with your munchkin clan?  Here’s what I think you need to do.

Be a Damn Roman in Rome

Max the Local

Rent a home via AirBnB, your kids will start to feel more at home in an actual home. Load up on local eats at the grocery stores and markets.  Afford yourself a couple of days to be a local with no agenda other than walking around and taking it all in. Get to know the city. Feel it. Watch its people. Find the parks. Tire out your kids in them. Rent a car, get the carseats. Attempt the language. Live. Explore. Eat. Drink. Pass out in your drool.

Get Passports Immediately.

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Get your kids passports. Now. I don’t care if your newborn is one day old. Get a passport. You can’t leave the country without one. Also make sure you have appropriate Visas–even my baby needs a Turkish Visa for our trip in a few weeks. Want to go to Brazil? You all need Visas.

Above is my newborn Miko’s first passport shot. The passport photo place wouldn’t take one because he was “too young,” so I put him on his white background (diaper changer) and did it myself.

Be a Decision Maker

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Even if you’re naturally not a quick decision maker, you’ll need to become one. The last thing you want to do is stand around, mouth agape welcoming  pickpocketers, or and sex traffickers to grab your kid. Okay, that’s a touch melodramatic, but just saying. Make shit happen. Make a freaking decision. Never stand around looking confused. Don’t study maps for longer than a minute. You’re not going to “see it all” so make the best decisions you can, stick to ’em, and enjoy the ride.

Under Pack

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Guess what, they actually sell things abroad! I mean, nothing was here originally anyway (it was all made in China). Don’t overpack diapers. Don’t overpack clothes. DO NOT bring the  big stroller (side note: your stroller is the size of two family-sized tables in most countries’ restaurants). Just bring:

  • A couple of stylish albeit comfortable clothes with good walking shoes (no screaming bright tennis shoes)
  • One dress-up outfit
  • Stylish scarves for the whole family; Zara carries great scarves for children.
  • Bjorn and/or very compact stroller

Seen above, a $19.99 crap stroller that has been up and down fjords in Norway, up and down a billion stairs in the Greek isles, and over millions of uneven cobblestones in Poland.

Eat or Die.

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What, you have a picky eater? Welcome to the club. Eat or die, kid. Lil’ man doesn’t get his favorite cereal over there and he’s going to survive. This is the mindset you have to take on. Kids are resilient, they’ll end up eating. Starved after a few days of foreign eats, my one year old grabbed my plate of Païdakia in Athens and ate nearly all of it.

Seen above, my Max  attacking golonka in Krakow.

Accept Meltdowns. They’re Half the Fun (later in your memory at least)

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Your kids will melt down. Maybe even a lot worse than at home. They’re off schedule and out of their comfort zone. They nap in crappy $19.99 strollers and they sit there watching Mom and Dad eat and drink for six hours every night. It’s called character building.

Ditch the “Schedule”

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Sure your kids operate better on a schedule. That’s not going to work abroad. Firstly, you’re in a totally new time zone. Secondly, you need to see and do what you want to do whenever possible. Making a train, boat or bus time, getting to the museum at the right hours, whatever it is, it’s not gonna jive with junior’s hit-or-miss naptime so don’t plan on it. Say goodbye to the schedule – that monotony is waiting for you back home and has no place on vay-cay.

Seen above: pregnant me and my one-year old in a jazz club that doesn’t get started until 11-ish. Disclaimer: the beer is my husband’s.

Where do you want to go? Where have you gone? Please share!

Christmas Cards Past, Present & Future

Remember the days when Christmas cards were a way of recapping the year on beautiful, thick stationary? They were handwritten and sent to long, lost friends – perhaps the only contact you had with some all year. These cards and photos used to hand around my home as a child and I loved watching my mother open them with excitement, and disappear into a globe of nostalgia as she read about her childhood friends. It was a way for me to enter her world, one I was not familiar with, as I sorted through those letters and photos. Reading about one family’s trip to Hawaii, or a family’s struggles through a tornado hitting their home. The letters were strung about the home, as festive as the Christmas tree itself.

Handwritten & Detail Rich Holiday Card of the Past

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These days I haphazardly throw photos onto a photo card and send without a personalized note. Ultimately, the real issue is this: everyone already knows what’s going on thanks to Facebook. So here’s what my card could look like if I wrote it:

Holiday Card of the Present

Dear Friends,

We had a lot of fun this year on vacation in…well you all saw it on Facebook.

We welcomed a new son (yeah you saw that too)

Please see my Facebook year in review, happy holidays.

So what does the future bring? A vibration on the side of our cheek alerting us that we’ve received incoming messaging from a friend? Along with the message perhaps we’ll see a database of all of our interactions with said friend. We’ll think about replying which, will in turn send the reply. And be done with it.

Holiday Card of the Future

  • Incoming message from John Doe: “Thinking of you, happy holidays”
  • Message received, send reply
  • Interaction complete. Repeat next year.
  • Happy frickin’ holidays

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What Working From Home Without a Nanny Looks Like – And My Son Turns Into Hitler

So today I thought I could work from home without help. No problem, right? Wrong. The current time? 10:55am. Let’s walk through what’s gone down so far. Hint: it ends with my son turning into Hitler.

Started out well, we read Anna Karenina.

Okay so it’s a f*#king picture book, sue me.

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Then I got on a conference call.

The background noise? The soothing sounds of a breastmilk pump which, my toddler turned on. Embarrassing.

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Next? He eats half a biscotti and then begins sucking on his toothpaste. Meanwhile I don’t realize until it’s too late, that my phone is no longer muted.

My client overhears me say, “Stop sucking on your paste.”

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He moved on to the wax paper. Couldn’t hear shit on my conf call over the crinkling sounds of unraveling sanity and wax paper.

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So what do you do?

You give them an ABSURD amount of chocolate peanut butter to shut them up.

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And this too fails, as your toddler ends up looking like Hitler.

 

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But let’s not end on such a bad note. There is one good part to this story, and it’s this.

 

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7 Surprising Habits that Parents Acquire

1. Staring At the Wall

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Like a poindexter. Staring at the wall becomes a new hobby for parents. Don’t get me wrong, we have loads of,  ambition, an enormous to-do list and plenty of intentions. It’s just that once the kids are in bed the only thing we really seem capable of doing is staring at the god damn wall. Shell shocked. Tomorrow I’ll fool myself once again though, that I’m going to kill my to-do list as soon as they kids nap or go to bed. There’s a sucker born every minute.

2. Watching Previews Instead of Movies

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Movies? Oh yeah, catch ’em all the time in 2 minute snippets. What you thought I could watch a full length film? Ha! I’m lucky if I make it through ALL the previews before falling asleep in my own drool.  You see, parents receive an invisible tranquilizer dart in their ass every night around 9pm. Par-tay on.

3. Vulture Eating

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Yep. Really sexy. All those bits and pieces your sticky-handed kids left on their high chair, you’ll eat it. That leftover Mac&Cheese, sure why not? Bread crust? It’s what’s for dinner.

4. Swapping Showers for Baby Wipes

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Showers are a thing of luxury. Something that goes on your to-do list the same way “pay the bills” does. Until you figure out that baby wipes can do so much more than wipe a little poopy ass. They can kinda shower you.

5. Describing Your Actions in Third Person.

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This becomes how you communicate with your partner in a charming and oh-so condescending manner. It’s how you tell your partner that he/she is failing in a more subtle yet, really annoying fashion.

  • Mommy is cleaning the kitchen right now because Daddy didn’t do it.
  • Looks like Daddy is on his own for dinner since Mommy passed out in front of HGTV with her plate of bread and olive oil.
  • Mommy just lost her mind, go ahead and congratulate mommy!

6. Smelling Butts.

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This one may be less surprising since most of us have seen parents do it before becoming one. It’s inevitable. We become little gorillas who smell butts to confirm what is already blaringly obviously – baby just blew out his diaper.

 7. Emotional Transference

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Here’s where you describe own behavior and feelings but transfer it onto your child. Really mature.

  • You are being crazy right now!
  • You need to relax honey!
  • STOP SCREAMING!

Uh, look at the mommy in the mirror. Time to make that change.

 

Toddlers Are Rude: Toddler Dismisses Greek Antiquity

How rude can you get? We take you all around the world, we present you with the world’s finest cuisine and what do you give us back? Tantrums and narcoleptic pass-outs as soon as we get to little ol’ places like…ah you know, the freaking Parthenon.

Watch this rude toddler totally dismiss Greece.

Look how much you enjoyed Oia, Greece. Thanks for the back-ache.

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Oh you’re not interested in fine Greek cuisine OR wearing your shoes?

No prob, do whatever the hell you want toddler. Get comfortable.

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Hashtag “I’m lovin’ it” ?

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“Tell me more about Santorini, Daddy!”

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Simply embarrassing at the Acropolis Museum.

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Honey, this is the National Gardens in Athens!

“I will cut you.”

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So look who perked up at where else but the winery?

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Top 11 Things NOT to Say to a Woman in Labor

I’ve experienced labor twice and thankfully both were regular deliveries. The first time was very elongated, I labored at home for hours in my tub, on a blanket outside, moaning at my bedside, receiving support from my doula from 4pm to 2am until we finally went to the hospital and I labored in the tub until 6am and so on and so on.

The second time around my water broke and then the contractions came on like a freight train with no brake system. We had to go to the hospital right away because, as my midwife said, “damn you’re going fast.” She then looked at my husband and said, “this is incredibly painful.” Not that it wasn’t obvious. I was hunched over and gripping the chalkboard’s shelf in triage and moaning like a deranged chimpanzee, contemplating whether or not I could rip the chalkboard off of the wall and throw it into the hallway–for some reason this seemed like it would offer me relief.

Anyhoo, I digress. The point of this post is to acknowledge the horrible things that condescending nurses often say to you whilst in labor. Some I heard personally, others, friends have. So with no further ado…

The Top 11 Things NOT to Say to a Woman in Labor

1. “The contractions are going to get A LOT worse than this.”

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2. “You’re barely dilated!”

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3. We don’t have any rooms ready, you may have to deliver here.”

Here could be the hospital hallway, bathroom or triage. In my case it was triage.

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4. “Why are you moaning and groaning?”

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5. “We don’t have time for/we do not have any pain killers.”

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6. “Your doctor/midwife isn’t available right now – she’s dealing with the emergency next door, you can probably hear that woman screaming.”

This one happened during my first labor.

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7. “Hmm, we’re not really sure what’s wrong.”

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8. “Is it okay if the interns watch?”

Yep, I was asked this one personally.

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9. “Hurry up and push, we don’t have all the time in the world.”

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10. “That was a decent push but the baby barely moved down. You have a ways to go honey.”

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And finally…

11. “Wow that’s a hairy baby!”

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Top 5 Things Parents Say at the Toddler Park

As a parent, going to the park can be invigorating for so many reasons:jsp-pics-22nd-march-image-24-682683620

  • You can easily tire out your child/children in a fenced in area
  • You can meet someone new that may be your new best friend for life or the next 5 minutes
  • You can sit your ass down for five-hot-minutes
  • You can adore your child as he plays his little heart out

Perhaps one of the best things however, is learning that you’re not alone. How so? By overhearing the following five things time and again, it tells me that my parenting style is on par with the norm and that I’m not alone in my daily war against the kids.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Toddler Park

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1. We’re leaving in two minutes…do NOT have a tantrum and do NOT cry.

If standing close enough I then hear mumbled under breath, “For the love of God, please don’t have a tantrum, oh please, please God + silent prayer and a tear or two.

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2. “We can come back but right now Mommy needs a Starbucks, so let’s go!”

Mumbled under breath: “Mommy also needs some quaaludes”

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3. “No honey! That’s not your scooter, get off!”

Mumbled under breath: “Maybe if you fell on your ass and broke a bone you’d learn your lesson for always stealing that damn scooter.”

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4. “Did you just poop?!?”

Mumbled under breath “I frickin’ hope not because your genius mom didn’t pack a diaper.”

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5.  “I said we’re leaving in two minutes!”

This is usually said 30-45 minutes after original claim of a 2 minute departure.  Mumbled under breath: “I gave you so much extra time so please Lord, don’t have a tantrum, I’m begging you.”

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What quotes did I miss??