Tag Archives: mommy martyr

Mommy’s Survival Kit for Fall

Son of a bitch are days short! I hear my baby screaming for milk and my toddler shrieking, “Mommy! Pancakes!” and it’s so dark I don’t know if its 3 a.m. or almost time to get up.for all I can tell.  Does it even matter? My eyelids are encrusted to one another. My head is tight and heavy. My back is in need of immediate chiropractic care. How are we gonna survive fellow mommies?

Mommy’s Survival Kit for Fall

  1. Garlic

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Your friends may hate you for this one. “Jesus, step back, Mama. You smell like the Olive Garden on speed.Your answer? Our kids’ stuffy little schnozes have officially inundated our worlds, so we must start eating raw garlic toast like it’s our job. Toast + extra virgin olive oil + two cloves of raw garlic + black sea salt = health. Repeat until you’re healthy. Or just always repeat and ask your partner to do the same so no one is offended.

2.   Apple Cider Vinegar

Keep your body in check with apple cider vinegar (organic, unfiltered and should include “the mother”). Just do it, already. Drink two tablespoons in a big glass of water and follow with a spoonful of organic raw honey.  Need actual reasons? Take it from Mamavation.

3.  Wine

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Wine is your reward for surviving another day of madness. You deserve it because your hair was pulled 18 times, you were depants by a whiny baby, your toddler dropped the F-bomb in front of strangers, and you got shit under your fingernails while changing a diaper that may as well have been a chocolate peanut butter nuclear bomb. Wine will bring you back to an appropriate mindset and heart rate.

4. Wine (oops did I already mention that?)

Well guess what – that wine will help you lose weight! Half a bottle before bed. Consider that officially prescribed by yours truly, Dr. Mommy Martyr Cures.

5. Coffee – duh.

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6. Other Mommies

For the love of God, connect with other Mommies so you don’t feel you’re alone in this sick universe. Want extra credit? Join a postpartum exercise class. You’ll work that loosey goosey pelvic floor and meet some great buddies along the way.

7. The Alliance Française

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Okay not everyone as obsessed with France and French language as I am but the point is this: find something that inspires you that has NOTHING to do with your partner or children. For me, I like discussing French literature in French with like-minded people. I do so once a week at the Alliance. Find your Nirvana–now.

8. Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pancakes

Trader Joes' Pumpking Pancakes Mommy Martyr Cures

Eat your troubles away.

9. The Voice

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I HATE television. I HATE most Hollywood movies. But I’m a total sucker for The Voice. Blake cracks me up. I love the blind auditions. I need something to look forward to on Monday and Tuesday. Find yours.

10. Stew

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It’s cold. You have a sore throat. By the time you come home you’re hungry as hell. Maybe just stick huge hunks of meat in there to be safe (see above). Invest in a good slow cooker and prepare hearty stews (full of #1 garlic, and #3 and #4 – wine). Bon appétit.

With Each Kid, Expect to Lose More Friends

Reliable Study Says: You’re Losing Your Friends, Mom.

Feeling cocky ’cause you’re still rocking a social life with your ONE child? Good for you. I did it too for awhile. Heck, my baby slept in his little carrier inside of noisy bars while I caught up with the gang.

With two kiddos however, the whole “friend thing” is becoming less and less realistic. (Friends with three kids, from what I understand, just move into a cave). Unless you live in my zip code (and let’s be honest, like two blocks away) I may not see you again, dear friend, for about another year or so. Yes I could get the babysitter, but just to warn you, that will look a little like this:

Boys, be quiet! Mommy’s on the phone calling your sitter! Boys–stop it! Mommy’s on the phone! Honey, give me my phone back…hold on…get back here you little–! Shit! Time out! Time-f*#king-OUT! Don’t YOU repeat that! Ready, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10!

Ring Ring Ring. Hi Babysitter–are you free this weekend? No…oh…what’s that? You’ve upped to $75.00 per hour, okay, sure, great, are you free next Saturday, no? Oh…

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Where’ve you been, Mama?

Let’s take a look at some of the main factors standing in the way of maintaining frequent in-person contact with friends.

  1. Mom’s inability to construct sentences (ba ba dah bah is generally not recognized as acceptable dialogue)
  2. Phone is missing (in toilet, hidden in a toy, under a crib mattress, and all contacts are daily wiped by baby)
  3. Failed understanding of the modern calendar
  4. Injured (yes, from a baby, don’t act so frickin’ surprised, they can really hurt you physically)
  5. Social norm says you shouldn’t leave your children home alone when they’re napping (Pfsssss mean what’s an hour or two?)

So you see, my dear friends, I do love you, I do. I miss you oh-so very much. But unless you can ring my doorbell* when both boys are asleep, show up with a bottle of wine and ignore my inability to speak about anything relevant, or that I may fall asleep while we’re talking, and that I’ll definitely be arranging toys with a vigor generally reserved only for the doomed and insane, this may be the end (but can you please still like my kids’ photos on Facebook?)

*Don’t actually ring the doorbell, silly!

Signed,

Lone Mom.

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Mombita Anti Crazy Mom Drug

Talk to your fake doctor about Mombita.

What are the symptoms of being a crazy mommy martyr? Watch and see if any sound familiar. Then learn about how your fake doctor could prescribe you with Mombita, the anti-crazy mom drug that will help you reclaim your God damn life back.

There are currently several new videos in production and if you’d like to collaborate, contact me!